in 1517 the church sold indulgences.pay, and you're saved. no questions, no refunds.
ii.
a monk named luther called it what it was.on october 31 he wrote 95 theses and nailed them to the door of the castle church in wittenberg.
iii.
509 years later, pump.fun sells something close.24,443,941 coins launched, 312 above 100k right now, and a fee on every trade either way.
iv.
the trenches complain every day. nobody reads it.bundles and bots buying in block zero, vamps on every narrative, fees that only go up.
v.
so we wrote it down. three theses are nailed.tax block zero. kill the vamps. stop raising fees.
vi.
luther nailed the 86th himself. the trenches write the rest.every holder signs it. at 95 the sheet goes to pump.fun, and it gets 31 days.
reform · the 95 theses of pump.fun
Thesis 86
the church built st. peter's with the money of the poor. pump.fun buys back its own token with yours.
1517 · martin luther, thesis 86
why does not the pope, whose wealth is greater today than the wealth of the richest crassus, build this one basilica of st. peter with his own money rather than with the money of poor believers?
2026 · nailed on line 86 of our sheet
why does not pump.fun, whose wealth is greater today than the wealth of the richest whale, buy back its own token with its own money rather than with the money of poor trenchers?
the indulgence money paid for st. peter's. since april 2026, half of pump.fun's revenue goes to buying back and burning its own token, and it has spent $461,474,494 on buybacks so far. we only changed the names. the block · defillama
Before the theses, there were indulgences
Buy your indulgence
A real onesold on march 3, 1517 to a widow named katharina, to help pay for st. peter's in rome. eight months later, luther nailed his theses.
1517
the church sold forgiveness.you paid, your sins were wiped, and you got a letter to prove it.
2026
pump.fun takes 1.70% of every trade on the curve.you pay, nothing is wiped, and you get nothing to prove it.
Disputation on the power and efficacy of feesout of love for the trenches and the desire to bring the truth to light, the following theses shall be set before pump.fun, signed by all who hold reform, and all who trade there are invited to add their own.
the trenches
Write
one line about pump.fun: what's broken, and what it should do.
Vote
no wallet, no sign up. one vote per thesis.
Nail
every day, the 10 with the most votes get nailed to the sheet, with the name of who wrote them.
Sign
hold reform and your wallet signs the sheet. sell, and your name comes off.
The board
the board opens at launch
no theses on the board yet. be the first.
When the sheet hits 95
luther signed it alone. the trenches sign it together.
the dev of reform takes zero fees. it launched as a cashback coin, and that can't be changed.
Signed by—signatures open at launch
1517
The theses
91 are left. the trenches write them and vote, and ten get nailed every day. hold reform and your wallet signs the sheet. sell, and your name comes off.
weeks later
The press
printed copies of luther's theses were all over germany within weeks. at the 95th nail we take the snapshot, unannounced, and the sheet goes out with every signature on it, addressed to pump.fun.
31 days
The answer
then pump.fun gets 31 days. every thesis it ships gets struck in red on the sheet: reformed. this page counts the days.
1520s
The schism
the church ignored luther. then it started losing whole countries, and that's what finally made it change. if pump.fun stays silent, the trenches leave together, for whoever ships the theses first.
painting: Ferdinand Pauwels, "Luther hammers his 95 theses to the door" (1872), public domain. music: "ein feste burg ist unser gott", words and melody by martin luther (1529), harmony by j.s. bach (bwv 302), played on a synthesized organ. sheet rewritten for the trenches. fee numbers: defillama, and pump.fun's own trade events on the chain. reform is a memecoin, not a promise of anything.
